Dear Amazing and FABULOUS M,
It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s a new life, fo-oh-oh-oh-oh-meee-ee. And I’m fee-eeh-eelin’ good.
Except I’m not. Good is not the word to describe how I’m feeling, if I’m being honest with you. And you know how brutally honest I can get with you at times. But it’s not all so negative. I’m feeling glimpses of hope, inspiration, fear, dread and a bit of anxiety to the mix, but on a spectrum of negative to positive emotion, I’m positioned more toward the positive side.
2015 has brought many, many interesting moments and not so beautiful ones. That’s life, hey? I’ve parented you in ways that make me feel so deeply ashamed and sad, but then there were so many great moments of bonding and parenting that made me think that this parenting gig was a cinch. Ha di ha ha. Well, as you read these words you will be old and intelligent enough to know that parenting is not a cinch. Not by a mile, and especially not for a person like your own delicious mother. I may present as a mostly put together parent with a happy go lucky outlook on life, but there are moments in between that make me feel like Doom’s whingey cousin. Whatever that means. Actually, what I mean is that my attitude and mood can completely suck. Parenting overwhelms me. What is supposed to be so simple, like : love, feed, bathe and keep warm, repeat until the age of 19 to 20 is more like : love, yell, scream, cry, make excuses not to play boring games with you, feel guilty and inadequate, cry, yell some more, google parenting shit and feel even more guilty, laugh, love, sing Frozen songs, sigh, regret, love some more and repeat FOREVER. Plus you can add in a few tantrums on my end as well as few on yours.
Have I put you off parenting? I hope not. Well, do what you want. No, really. It doesn’t matter to me if you choose to have five kids or no kids. Just don’t expect me to babysit them constantly. But you have to know that having you is proof to me that magic happens. According to your father, making you was a very joyless experience. And this is an edited version of what he has actually said of that fateful night you were conceived – don’t want to embarrass the both of us too much here, but I have by writing this, huh?
Anyway, out of such a joyless experience came such a joyful child. Smart, focused, funny, loving and so forgiving. I hope 2016 will be year in which we can learn more from each other and I want to show you how awesome I can really be when I’m well taken care of. And that is something I’m continually working on.
Love you long time,